Love My Lips?
by Dautr abr du Sundavar
Summary: The Atlantis team is stuck on Earth, and General Landry takes advantage of the situation to make everyone get a psych eval. However, John's is just plain weird...Takes place after the series finale. Kind of a songfic to the VeggieTales song "Love My Lips"


**A/N: Okay, we all know John's a little weird...This explores just _how_ weird.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate: Atlantis or VeggieTales**

* * *

"Why do I have to do this again?" John Sheppard was doing a very good impersonation of a whiny seven-year-old, and it was getting on General Landry's nerves.

"Do the words, 'Because I said so' mean anything to you, Colonel?" he asked,

"Yes, sir," was John's unwilling reply.

"Good. Now get in there."

"Yes, sir," he agreed, already plotting how he would weird out the psychologist waiting for him.

* * *

"Hello, Colonel. I'm Doctor Sanchez." He seemed pleasant enough for a man in whose hands rested the rest of John's career. He held out one of those hands now for John to shake.

He took it; it was only polite. "John Sheppard, but of course you knew that."

"Yes, well...have a seat, would you?" The doctor gestured to a chair in front of his desk. John sat, and Dr. Sanchez took his chair behind the desk. Sanchez folded his hands in front of him in the classic psychologist-like manner. "Now, Colonel..."

"John, please."

Sanchez nodded. "Very well, then, John...As I'm sure you know, you are here for me to evaluate the effects of the last five years on your mental health, especially the most recent events." John remained silent while Sanchez looked at him expectantly. Eventually the doctor broke the impasse. "Yes, well..." he began, obviously uncomfortable, "tell me, why do you think you joined the Atlantis expedition?"

"I thought you wanted to know what the last five years did to me?"

Sanchez nodded. "I do.

"Then why do you want to know why I went to Atlantis?" he asked with genuine confusion.

"Because I want to put the time into its proper perspective." John frowned and opened his mouth to ask another question, but Sanchez forestalled him with a raised hand. "I want to know what you were feeling when this whole thing started. I want to know what your mind was like _before_ so I can compare it to what your mind is like _now_."

"I see. Well, I guess it was just because of my childhood..." _That ought to do it_, he thought.

He was right. "What do you mean?" Sanchez asked him. The doctor had been expecting a sob story, so he was surprised when John started to sing.

"When I was just two years old I left my lips out in the cold and they turned blue. What could I do?"

"Wait...what?"

"Oh they turned blue. On the day I got my tooth I had to kiss my Great Aunt Ruth. She had a beard...and it felt weird."

"Aunt...what the heck are you talking about?"

"She had a beard. Ten days after I turned eight, got my lips stuck in a gate. My friends all laughed. And I just-" he took a deep breath and spoke fast enough that all the words ran together into one- "stood-there-until-the-fire-department-came-and-broke-the-lock-with-a-crowbar-and-I-had-to-spent-the-next-six-weeks-in-lip-rehab-with-this-kid-named-Oscar-who-got-stung-by-a-bee-" he stopped to take a breath- "right-on-the-lip-and-we-couldn't-even-talk-to-each-other-until-the-fifth-week-'cause-both-our-lips-were-so-swollen-" he took another breath- "and-when-he-did-start-speaking-he-only-spoke-Polish-and-I-only-knew-like-three-words-in-Polish-except-now-" he paused again to breathe- "I-know-four-because-Oscar-taught-me-the-word-for-lip: Usta."

"Uh..." he gave up. "Usta? How-how do you spell that?"

John shrugged. "I don't know."

"Okay, well, songs aside..." Sanchez tried to return to business, but was unsuccessful; John was singing again.

"They turned blue, what could I do? She had a beard and it felt weird. My friends all laughed...Usta!"

"I'm confused…"

"I love my lips!" He started singing nonsense.

Sanchez put his face in his hands. "I _so_ don't get paid enough for this..." he muttered.

After a two-minute bridge of babbling, John asked innocently, "have I ever told you how I feel about my _nose_?"

"Oh, look at the time!" Sanchez literally jumped up and shoved John out of the room, locking the door firmly behind him.

* * *

"How did it go, Colonel?" General Landry asked the following day.

John debated telling the truth - for about two seconds. "Fine, General."

Landry nodded. "Good. Now, Doctor Keller..."

John tuned Landry out as he reflected on the possible implications of his prank.

After the briefing, Rodney caught up to John in the corridor. "So how did it really go?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you lied to Landry." Rodney had the look on his face that said he was not going to give up until John told the truth.

"Well...I sang VeggieTales to him."

"What?"

"VeggieTales. You've never seen that?"

Rodney looked a John like he really was crazy. "No..."

"Oh. It's a kid's show; I don't exactly watch it often, but I like a lot of the songs. So I sang one of them to Sanchez."

Rodney shook his head in amazement. "I'm not sure what scares me more: You, or you."

John laughed and walked away.

* * *

**A/N: Was it too bad? If you think so, tell me please! (If not, tell me that too please.)**


End file.
